Bullying at school
Bullying can
be devastating for children’s confidence and self-esteem.
If your
child is being bullied, she needs lots of guidance, love and support, both at
home and wherever the bullying is happening. Your child also needs to know that
you’ll take action to prevent any further bullying.
Talking with your
child about the bullying
If your
child is being bullied, one of the best ways to help him is to listen and talk
about the bullying. It’s also a good way to find out more before you talk to
the teacher about it.
Here’s how to get
started:
- Listen: give your child your full attention and consider talking in a quiet space. Ask your child simple questions, and then listen to the answers. Try saying things like, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’
- Stay calm: this is a chance to show your child how to solve problems. If you feel angry or anxious, wait until you feel calm before you discuss the situation with your child or with others.
- Summarise the problem: you could say something like, ‘So you were sitting on your own eating your lunch. Then Sam came up and took your lunch box and threw it across the playground’.
- Let your child know it’s normal to feel upset: help your child to understand that her feelings are normal. For example, ‘No wonder you’re feeling so sad about this’.
- Make sure your child knows it’s not his fault: for example, ‘It didn’t happen because you wear glasses. Jo might have been upset about something happening at home. But that’s no excuse for it.’
The next
step is showing your child that you care and will help:
Here are some further steps you can take:
Keep a record of what happens and when. If the bullying involves
physical harm or damage to your child’s property, you could also take photos.
If it involves cyber bullying, take screenshots of the social media posts or text
messages.
Write a
note to the classroom teacher saying that the bullying is still going on. Ask
for your concern to be addressed in writing.
1. Speak to the school principal.
2. Ask to see the school’s grievance procedure.
3. Request a meeting to discuss the matter with the school board.
4. Seek further advice from your school’s regional office.
Having
your child bullied at school is one of the greatest fears of parents – and
research shows this fear is well founded. School bullying has been described as
the single most important threat to the mental health of children and
adolescents.
Well-controlled studies show that
being bullied in primary school increases the risk of serious mental health
problems into adolescence and ongoing depression leading well into adulthood.
So when parents find out their child
is being bullied, they are right to be concerned. But what exactly should they
do about it? Should they tell the school, approach the parents of the other
child, or just let their child deal with it?
It can be difficult to weigh up the
sometimes conflicting advice given to parents. Parents desperately want to help
their child, but if they jump in too quickly to protect their child they can be
labelled as over-protective or
over-indulgent.
School authorities often recommend
parents leave the school to handle it. This is fine if the school is successful
in stopping the bullying. However, this is not always the case. Most school
programs to address bullying make only modest
improvements, leaving some children to
continue to be bullied.
This could be why we often hear of
parents taking matters into their own hands. This can lead to uncertain legal
ground if parents reprimand other children and to ugly arguments between
parents. Clearly none of these approaches is ideal.
New
research on how parents can help their children
We now
know that parenting specifically affects children’s risk of being bullied at
school. A meta-analysis in 2013 concluded that warm, supportive
parenting is a protective factor and negative parenting is a risk factor for
children being bullied at school.
Another large well-controlled study
from the UK showed that having warm supportive family relationships also helps
buffer children against the adverse emotional consequences of being bullied.
This means that when children feel supported by their parents, they are less
likely to attract bullying. They also have someone to turn to at home when
things are not going well at school, which helps them cope.
Having your child bullied at school
is one of the greatest fears of parents – and research shows this fear is well
founded. School bullying has been described as
the single most important threat to the mental health of children and
adolescents.
Well-controlled
studies show that
being bullied in primary school increases the risk of
serious mental health problems into adolescence
and ongoing depression leading well into
adulthood.
It can be difficult to weigh up the
sometimes conflicting advice given to parents. Parents desperately want to help
their child, but if they jump in too quickly to protect their child they can be
labelled as over-protective or
over-indulgent.
School authorities often recommend
parents leave the school to handle it. This is fine if the school is successful
in stopping the bullying. However, this is not always the case. Most school
programs to address bullying make only modest
improvements, leaving some children to
continue to be bullied.
This could be why we often hear of
parents taking matters into their own hands. This can lead to uncertain legal
ground if parents reprimand other children and to ugly arguments between
parents. Clearly none of these approaches is ideal.
New research on how
parents can help their children
We now know that parenting
specifically affects children’s risk of being bullied at school. A meta-analysis in
2013 concluded that warm, supportive parenting is a protective
factor and negative parenting is a risk factor for children being bullied at
school.
Another large well-controlled study
from the UK showed that having warm supportive family relationships also helps
buffer children against the adverse emotional consequences of being bullied.
This means that when children feel supported by their parents, they are less
likely to attract bullying. They also have someone to turn to at home when things
are not going well at school, which helps them cope.
Research has
identified two additional ways parents can
make a positive difference to children’s relationships with peers: parents can
coach children in social skills and they can actively support their children’s
friendships.
Parents see children every day so
are in an ideal position to help children find ways to deal with peer problems.
Parents can improve children’s social skills, which can help children become
better accepted by peers, and support children’s friendships by organising
play-dates and other activities that help children develop close friendships
with children at school. Having good friends at school helps protect children
against bullying.
A program
at the University of Queensland called “Resilience Triple P” teaches parents to
support their child, support their child’s friendships, coach their child in
social and emotional skills, and communicate effectively with the school and
other adults.
A total
of 111 families were randomly allocated to either receiving the program or not,
and monitored over nine months. Schools of both intervention and control
families were informed that parents had a concern about bullying.
Compared
with families in the control condition, children whose families received
Resilience Triple P showed greater reductions in victimisation, distress and
depression. Teachers reported children became better accepted by peers.
Children reported liking school more.
Resilience
Triple P involves parents in helping children deal effectively with peer
problems. However, if the child’s efforts do not work, or if the child is in
danger, the parents step up as advocates for their children.
If your
child talks to you about problems with other children at school, this is good
news. Very often children don’t tell anyone about being bullied; they might
feel ashamed or worried how their parents will respond. It is important that
when children approach parents with a problem, parents stop and listen. If
parents become emotional or over-react, this may discourage children from
confiding further.
If a
child is not communicating, there are signs that indicate they could be being
bullied at school. These signs include trying to avoid school or social
situations, greater sensitivity and mood swings, changes in eating and
sleeping, and unexplained physical symptoms. If children are demonstrating any
of these patterns, parents could gently ask children how things are going in
various areas of their lives.
Whether
or not a child is being bullied, it is important for parents to support their children’s
friendships, as an investment in children’s ongoing mental health and
well-being. This means making time for children to catch up with friends and
getting to know other parents as a way of supporting your child’s
relationships.
When
children are upset by other children’s behaviour, parents can provide a
valuable sounding board. They can help children interpret situations and decide
what to do.
Very
often problems can be solved if the child can stand up for themselves calmly.
Parents can help children practise how to do this.
Parents
might also help children learn how to ignore minor issues, strengthen
friendships with kind children, resolve ongoing conflicts and get help from a
teacher when needed.
Approaching
the school and other adults
If a
child is unable to deal with a distressing issue by themselves, it is important
that the parent communicates for the child. If the child is experiencing
problems at school, parents should first contact the child’s school. This would
involve approaching the child’s teacher if the issue is with another child in
the class, or perhaps the school management if the issue is broader.
It is
important when approaching the school for parents to plan carefully what they
want to say. Schools can easily become defensive about the issue of bullying.
It is important parents stay calm and explain exactly what happened and how
their child was affected. The parent can request help in improving the
situation and then check how this goes over time.
There
are other adults who may be supervising children when bullying occurs. Parents
may need to have conversations with out-of-school-hours care staff, sporting
coaches, scout leaders and dance teachers.
The
situation is a bit more sensitive if the problems occur when your child is
being supervised by friends or family members. The same principles apply though
– you need to calmly request the other adult’s help without blaming them or
putting their child down. Sometimes this can start by acknowledging the
children are having problems – and suggesting you could work together to help
them.
Generally
it is a risky move to approach parents of another child at school bullying your
child, if you don’t already have a good relationship with them. Your approach
is unlikely to improve things and may result in heated conflict. This may
worsen the relationship between the children, making it more difficult for the
school to resolve the issue.
Sometimes,
despite parents’ best efforts to support their child and seek help from the
school, the bullying continues. Ongoing bullying poses an unacceptable risk to
any child.
If your
child is experiencing ongoing distress from bullying, and the school doesn’t
address it despite your requests, consider other options – including going to
higher education authorities and reporting cases of physical assault or
cyber-bullying to police.
Parents
should also consider whether another school might provide a better option for
their child, but it’s important to involve the child in this decision.
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